just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
