he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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