i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Alive.
So much puke
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
