I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
