Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
