does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
