we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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