So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
