He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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