Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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