I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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