The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
