I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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