i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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