Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
