god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
