but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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