At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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