He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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