i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
