Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
