I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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