drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
