I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
