I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
