I'm going to rape someone's good day.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
