I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
