just survived the first fart of the relationship.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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