That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
