Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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