I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
