you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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