i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
