All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
