So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
