You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
