I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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