And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
