She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
