I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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