hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
