How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize