she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
