I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hippo gnu deer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
