Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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