I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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