My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
