you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
