i love accidental penises.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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