dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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