I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
