can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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