She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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