great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
