She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
